When I Don’t Like You, I Choose to Love You

Draft written, but not posted in May, 2016:

I recently had a friend interrupt polite but candid conversation with a surprised question: “Wait! You don’t like your husband?!?” To which I had answered, “Not always, no. But at that point, love is a choice. I may not always like him. But in that moment, I choose to continue to love him.”

This led to an interesting  and surprising conversation about the nature of love. You see, I believe that even when I do not feel affection or warmth toward my husband, I can still love him. It boils down to choice. Today, I choose to love him.

I meant it when I said ‘I do.’ But sometimes I wonder if he did.

Last night, I yielded to my muse. My story is not known, because I have chosen not to tell it. No longer will I hold my story alone. Here, I bring the truth of my not-known story to the light of day.

I bought and set up a website at the kitchen table, while he played a video game in the next room. A million and a half thoughts went through my head — thoughts about things I wish he would ask me… about things I want to say to him if we ever get to marriage counseling. I am pretty sure he is totally unaware, and would never ask about my mental wanderings. He is perfectly content to play a video game 15 feet away.

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