The end days…

Not a day goes by that I don’t hear the F bomb out of him. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to live with him. But he won’t leave. He has an oppressive presence in my space. He is verbally and emotionally abusive.

He seems to live in a completely different reality than I do; one where he is the martyr, and entitled to so much more than he’s receiving.

I took the kids on a vacation funded almost exclusively by my parents. We left 16 days ago, and have been back for 7.

Not to be outdone, he has a vacation planned with the kids: a tour of amusement parks. He has asked me (and I agreed) for $500 in cash from the emergency fund for furniture for the kids when he moves. I have since purchased for him an entire bedroom suite, but he still needs mattresses and a bedroom set for the oldest. He has now demanded that money, so he can take them on vacation. But he has refused to move out, and continues to threaten to stay until legally required to leave.

In the last 7 days:

    Four have included me being called a bitch at least once.
    He drops the f-bomb daily.

Today: I mowed the lawn, picked up fecal matter from the yard, took the kids to a birthday party, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and worked for about 5 hours on work. Yet, when I returned from the birthday party, he acted put out that I didn’t start cooking dinner right away.

He grudgingly edged the yard, cooked the meat of the meal I planned for dinner, and did the laundry (for later reference, here’s a picture of how much of my laundry he did:

As I continued to work (11pm) he indicates he expects me to help pack the kids for his vacation. I told him no, that I did not intend to do that tomorrow for him. He then got offended: “so, I do all this work around the house… all your laundry, and you won’t even help the kids pack for vacation?” I gently and carefully reminded him that I spent 2 days packing for my vacation, without expecting or asking him to help. As it turns out, I am staying home with them because we didn’t sign them up for camp, and he couldn’t get the whole week off. Nevermind that I am taking one to the dentist and working from home all day, while feeding and loving on two kiddos before they leave.

He complained to me that he “was doing everything he could to make things better” after our initial separation in March. I confirmed Friday that he had allowed an insurance policy to lapse, but lied to me about it for months.

I pray that in the days to come, he will be honest with himself and me. I pray that I will see clearly the truth as God sees it, including where I’m wrong.

Today’s prayers, via the Book of Common Prayer included this passage from Benedict of Nursia:

“The Lord himself in the gospel teaches us the same when he says: I shall liken anyone who hears my words and carries them out in deed to one who is wise enough to build on a rock; then the floods came and the winds blew and struck that house, but it did not fall because it was built on a rock. It is in the light of that teaching that the Lord waits for us every day to see if we will respond by our deeds, as we should, to his holy guidance. For that very reason also, so that we may mend our evil ways, the days of our mortal lives are allowed us as a sort of truce for improvement. So St Paul says: Do you not know that God is patient with us so as to lead us to repentance? The Lord himself says in his gentle care for us: I do not want the death of a sinner; let all sinners rather turn away from sin and live.”


2 thoughts on “The end days…

  1. Oh my dear. All of your story so resonates with me. My heart breaks for you when I think of the pain, loneliness, confusion and indifference that you have endured over the years. Making the changes in your life that you are, we are behind you 100%. Someone I know that I love with all my heart had to make the same decision you did and it was a very long time coming (without kids involved). The healing process is still going on, but the pain is dissipating. Counseling is key; don’t keep things penned up; talk, write blogs, journals, anything that will give you some release. Know that you are so deeply LOVED by so many and you will never be alone through this. I can say, in part, I can understand some of what you have been through. Call anytime. Much love my sweet.


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